


I Want To Reconcile The Violence In Your Heart

by Switch842



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: M/M, Mention Of Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-05
Updated: 2014-06-05
Packaged: 2018-02-03 13:04:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1745645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Switch842/pseuds/Switch842
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles and Derek's relationship starts to change, but can Derek actually admit what it is he wants?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Want To Reconcile The Violence In Your Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know where this came from. There was no prompt or anything. The opening paragraphs just popped into my head fully formed and 1900 words later, there is fic. I hope you enjoy.
> 
> Thanks to bononoh for the super fast beta. Title from "Undisclosed Desires" by Muse.
> 
> Timeline: This is set early season 4. After everyone is back from going to get the person who was apparently kidnapped at the very end of 3b. It's not really spoilery though, except for the mention of where they were.

It doesn't happen all at once. It happens slowly. Sure, the lust was a pretty immediate reaction. I mean, have you _seen_ Derek? But the love? The love came later. Once Stiles was able to see under the gruff exterior to the sensitive soul that Derek really is beneath all the crap that's been piled on top of him.

After the nogitsune, Stiles is pretty sure he understands Derek even better. He knows in an intellectual way that he's not responsible for all the death the evil spirit caused, but that doesn't stop the nightmares or the waves of guilt whenever he sees Scott or Lydia.

Stiles is sure that deep down, Derek knows that the fire that claimed his family isn't actually his fault, but the guilt will always be there.

"How do you live with it?" Stiles asks Derek one day when they're, oddly, alone in the loft.

"Live with what?" Derek asks from the kitchen where he's making some sandwiches.

"The guilt," Stiles replies. "That even though the horrible things that happened are in no way your fault, it still feels like they are? Does it get any easier?"

Derek freezes; the knife hovering over the jar of Miracle Whip. After what seems like an eternity, Derek finally finishes making their lunch and brings it over to Stiles on the couch.

"No," he finally says. "It doesn't get any easier."

"How are you not just completely comatose with the burden of carrying that around?"

"Because it's bigger than me. Even after everything that's happened the world hasn't stopped. It's still turning, bad things are still happening. If I can try and stop something like what happened to me from happening to someone else, then maybe I can atone for what I did. But when I don't…," he trails off and looks at Stiles, the sadness evident in his gaze.

"Derek, no," Stiles says. "There's no way anyone could have figured out what was happening. This is all on me, okay? I made the sacrifice; I opened the door."

"I should have noticed, though," Derek says. "I knew Kira was a kitsune the first time I laid eyes on her. How did I not notice there was something different about you?"

"Because the nogitsune kept us apart. He, it, he?" Stiles is never sure how to refer to the evil _thing_ that possessed him. "He probably knew you would know which is why I was never around you. I think that's the thing that's strangest to me. It kept me away from you. I feel like I missed months of your life even though we were both here."

"You didn't miss that much," Derek says.

"I missed enough."

Derek has to look away then. He picks up his sandwich and takes a bite, barely tasting the turkey and tomato. Eating has become mostly rote at this point. He eats because he has to, not because he has any particular desire for food.

"I'm glad you're back," Derek says, still not looking at Stiles. "Not just that the nogitsune is gone, but… I'm glad you're you again."

"Me, too," Stiles whispers.

They finish their lunch in silence and when Stiles goes to bed that night, he actually sleeps the whole night with no nightmares to disturb him. Maybe just knowing there's someone else out there who understands what he's going through is enough. 

For now.

* * *

It's the week before school starts up again. Scott and Kira have just left, leaving Stiles and Derek alone again. They've been spending more time together than not since they got Derek back from Mexico. Sometimes they don't even talk, which is strange for Stiles, but not that unusual anymore. He keeps up the act around his friends and his dad. He tries really hard to be the usual bumbling, flailing Stiles they know and need him to be. He rambles about inane topics during dinner with his dad, drags Scott to the movies and eats way too many curly fries at the diner afterwards. He's not sure if he's fooling anyone, but it's kind of nice to pretend that everything is normal for awhile.

Derek, though, doesn't expect anything of him. So, when it's just them, he doesn't feel the need to ramble meaninglessly to fill the space. He's actually content to be still and quiet for hours at a time. He's comfortable with Derek and in his space. It makes Stiles think that this might be what being married feels like. But, you know, with added sex and stuff.

"There's something you should know," Derek says quietly from his place by the windows.

"What is it?"

"When Kate shot me," Derek begins, "I…panicked, I guess. She couldn't be back; she was dead. My head went somewhere to try and make sense of what was happening."

"Where did you go?"

"To you," Derek says. "I knew you would tell me the truth, even if you were just a figment of my imagination."

"Derek, I…" Stiles says. "I don't even know what to say."

"I trust you," Derek says finally. "After everything and everyone, I know I can trust you. I haven't been able to do that for a really long time. You might be loud and annoying and you have really weird taste in food, but you're honest and loyal. I don't know what I did to earn either of those things from you, but thank you."

Stiles just stands and quietly walks over to Derek. He stops just in front of him, making sure Derek is looking at him before he speaks.

"You're a good man, Derek," Stiles says. "I know you probably don't believe me, but you are. You have been dealt one of the shittiest hands in the history of ever and you're still here. If I were you, I would have chucked it all in years ago."

"I tried once," Derek admits softly. "It's surprisingly hard for a werewolf to commit suicide."

Stiles swallows audibly at the news. He had figured things had been really bad for Derek for awhile, but he had no idea it was like that. He just nods though, and continues.

"And I'm sure if you had really wanted to, you would have found a way," he says. "But you didn't. You're trying to do your best in a really awful situation. Scott is coming around. Kira and Lydia are here. I'm here. It doesn't have to be you against the world anymore; it hasn't been for a really long time. And I'm glad that you trust me. I trust you, too."

They stare at each other in silence for long moments and Stiles can feel his heart start beating faster and knows Derek can hear it. He's not sure what's happening right now. Well, he is, but he's not in any way ready to acknowledge that. He watches as Derek's gaze drops to his lips for a split second and back up to his eyes.

"I should… I should go," Stiles finally says.

"Okay," Derek replies.

Neither of them move. The door is on the other side of the apartment, but Stiles can't make his feet move in that direction. He wants to say something, to explain the thoughts and feelings tumbling around his head and his heart, but the words just get stuck in his throat.

Derek moves first. He just slowly leans forward, tilting his head to the side ever so slightly. He's giving Stiles time to move away, to stop this. But he doesn't want to. This has been a long time coming, really, and Stiles was sure it would be at least three more years before either of them made a move.

Guess not.

Stiles lets his eyes slip closed and Derek's lips touch his. It's tentative and soft and absolutely perfect. Stiles gently presses back, but Derek pulls back before the kiss can really go anywhere.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Stiles," he whispers.

Stiles still has his eyes closed, afraid to open them and find out it was all a dream. He starts a little when Derek presses a kiss to his cheek. Derek is nowhere to be seen when Stiles does finally open his eyes, but he can still feel the imprint of Derek's lips on his skin.

He jerks off that night to thoughts of Derek and what will happen now. His mind is overflowing with possibilities and his sleep is once more restless, though there are no nightmares.

* * *

Things between them progress slowly. It's Stiles' senior year and things in Beacon Hills have finally quieted down, supernatural wise. It's time to buckle down and focus on schooling so he can maybe actually get out of Beacon Hills. But now with Derek, maybe he wants to stay? He's so confused. Derek is taking things so slowly and letting Stiles set the pace with everything, which is nice, but it leaves Stiles wondering what Derek actually wants.

"What are we?" he finally asks Derek a few months later. He's sitting at the large wooden dinner table Derek finally picked, studying for his chemistry midterm.

Derek just looks at him from his chair by the window, with his eyebrows furrowed in that way he gets when he's confused.

"Are we dating? Are we fooling around? What is this?" Stiles slowly walks towards Derek, needing to be closer to him for this conversation.

"What do you want?" Derek asks.

"I know what I want. I'm asking what you want."

"I want what you want."

"That's not an answer!" Stiles explodes, throwing his hands in the air. "What do _you_ want?"

"It doesn't matter," Derek says. "I don't get what I want." Derek stands and faces the windows, crossing his arms in an attempt to keep Stiles away.

"Yes, you do," Stiles insists. "You do this time. Just tell me."

"Isn't it obvious? It's just you."

And that's when Stiles knows. He knows for sure that feeling that's been building in the pit of his stomach since their first kiss is love. He knows Derek has shown Stiles so much more than he's shown anyone else. He's told Stiles things he's sure no one else in the pack knows. Things like how Derek wanted to be a professor when he was in college before everything fell apart. He was studying medieval literature, which certainly helps explain the massive leather tomes sitting around the loft.

Stiles remembers when he had come over one day to Derek sitting on the couch, reading. Stiles dropped his book bag on the floor and peeked over Derek's shoulder to see what book he was so absorbed in.

"What is that?" he asked as he took in the strange words on the page.

"Chaucer," Derek replied.

"I thought Chaucer was British?"

"He was."

"So, why isn't that in English?"

"It is English, Stiles."

"No, it's not."

"It's Middle English, but it's still English."

Stiles' mind had boggled. How had he never known this about Derek? Why did Derek keep all this hidden from everyone?

So, Stiles knows the admission that Derek wants him is a huge moment for Derek. He can't respond how he wants to because that will be too much and they'll take two steps back. So, instead, Stiles just nods.

"Good," he says. He pats Derek on the chest as he heads into the kitchen to start on dinner. 

This is a start. A very good start that will be the beginning of something very special.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> There is a mention by Derek of a past suicide attempt. He does not go into any detail, just that it was a thing that happened. Please be warned if this could be triggering.
> 
> Come visit me on [Tumblr](http://runningwithwolves42.tumblr.com).


End file.
